Offering Communication Skills Training:
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Communication
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Had enough of the same negative feeling and want out?
- Have you ever found yourself struggling to be understood,
or saying things you later regret?
- Would you like to express yourself in a way that honours
other people, as well as being true to yourself?
- Do you feel frustrated because your partner
or work colleague does not hear or understand you?
New Progressive Communication (‘NPC’), which can also stand
for Nurturing Peaceful Communication, is a profound step in being able
to first understand ourselves and then others, regardless of the words
being spoken.
NPC has evolved from…
- Marshall Rosenberg’s Compassionate Communication
model, ‘NVC’ www.cnvc.org
- ‘The Secret’ – a movie about The
Law of Attraction and how we are responsible for our thinking and intentions
- John Gray’s book, ‘Mars and Venus’-
respecting that Women and Men think differently
NPC training model uses empathy and honesty. You will
learn skills for making yourself very clear and resolving conflicts by
focusing on a process of observations, feelings, thoughts, needs and requests.
Permanent improvement in your life will then be achieved by taking supportive
action.
“If you
always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what
you’ve always got.”
The aim of the Progressive Communication model is that
everyone gets their needs met peacefully and finds joy in helping others
to do the same. These life-affirming skills are now being taught around
the world to parents, educators, diplomats, police, peace activists, prison
officials and inmates, in companies and in schools.
To speak or not to speak... is that the question?
Most of us find it hard to say exactly what we want to
say, without blame or criticism sneaking in. We long to be heard and to
understand what others really want; to experience a quality of communication
that improves our quality of life with our needs being met.
We may have the conditioned habit of not saying what we really want to
say, or saying what we think the other wants to hear. Often, what we don't
say affects relationships as much, or more than what we do say! Unexpressed
feelings and needs leave our partner or colleague in the dark about what
is really going on between us.
Rather than deciding whether to speak or not to speak, NPC shows how and
when to speak.
The following steps of NPC give us a framework with which to overcome
our habitual combative responses and instead, to communicate compassionately,
in order to connect with honesty and clarity.
Observations
To avoid misunderstandings, we start by getting clear about what actually
happened. That means expressing a clear observation without evaluation
or judgement, just as a video camera would see and hear it.
Feelings
When we communicate how we feel and are interested
in how others feel, we connect on a level deeper than when we are just
talking about the weather.
NPC teaches the difference between feelings like, sad, happy, worried
or frustrated, and feelings that are actually interpretations of another
person such as… misunderstood, neglected, betrayed, abandoned, rejected,
or manipulated. These interpretations are really what we THINK the other
person is doing to us, not our own feeling.
Statements that begin with, "I feel like...",
or "I feel that.....", or "I feel you...." are also
thoughts not feelings.
Thinking
Another trigger for how we feel can be what we keep on
thinking. For example, if our thoughts are constantly, “I’m
useless”, it won’t take long before we feel depressed.
Whatever we think about and focus on is what we attract into our lives
– good or bad. We are the masters of our own thoughts and can choose
them.
As we learn to take responsibility for our thoughts and feelings, they
can be used constructively, with powerful intention, so we harmonise with
the Law of Attraction.
Learning to understand that men and women think differently can help prevent
many misunderstandings.
“What you believe about your self, the
whole world believes.”
Renee Prinsloo
Needs
All humans share key needs for survival: drink (hydration), food (nutrition),
sleep (rest), shelter (safety) and companionship (connection). We also
share other needs like acceptance, certainty, integrity, equality and
understanding, to varying degrees in a given moment.
When our needs are met, we feel content. When they are not met, we feel
uncomfortable, or stressed in some way. Learning to recognise our needs,
helps us understand why we feel the way we do.
“It is only by meeting the spiritual
needs, that you will experience sustainable joy versus momentary pleasure.”
Anthony Robbins
Requests
Once we have recognised the feeling and its related unmet need, the next
step is to make a request, rather than a demand, for what would support
those needs getting met. Expressing our need and making the request, gives
the other person a chance to make a positive difference in our wellbeing.
People naturally enjoy contributing to others, when they can do so, willingly.
If we express ourselves to others in this way--using observation, feelings,
needs and requests-- we are more likely to get our needs met, than if
we use our habitual ways of attacking, demanding or defending.
“To truly understand another,
you need to first walk a mile in their shoes.”
Native American Proverb
Empathy
When we hear someone speak who is emotionally upset in any way, what they
need first and foremost is to have their feelings and needs deeply heard
without judgement. Empathy is deep understanding that is brought about
by being present and focussing all our attention on the other (putting
our own feelings and needs on ‘hold’ during this time).
We then guess the feelings and needs of the other, and ask if this is
what is going on, or confirm those feelings and needs expressed, by reflecting
them back. Connecting like this helps us to understand what's going on
inside that person.
When all the feelings and needs are expressed, we will often hear or see
some indication of relief, like a sigh or relaxation. Then we can move
on to what their requests might be, to help them meet their needs.
Only then, can we offer to the other person the opportunity to hear how
it is for us--our own observations, feelings, needs and requests about
that mutual situation.
Self - Empathy
Sometimes we are triggered by what another says or
does, to such a degree that we feel overwhelmed and likely therefore,
to slip into our old habitual ways of reacting. This is when we need to
take a breath and apply some self-empathy. Giving ourselves time to cool
off allows the cortisol made by the fight or flight response to be reabsorbed.
Then we can come back to the person and communicate more calmly.
Doing self-empathy we can watch and listen to our judgements and interpretations
of the other, then apply the NPC process to our selves. What actually
happened (observation)? What do I feel and need? What's my request of
myself?
Action
If there is a repeating pattern of an issue, then
it is worth taking further action and seeking help--with Kinesiology,
for example--to clear the cause of that pattern.
NPC Seminar
This seminar can be geared for ‘in house’
staff training, school teachers, parents, councillors or any group. Regardless
of whatever our walk of life, we all have the same challenge to communicate
and connect with others.
In the Seminar, we learn and practice expressing ourselves, giving another
person empathy, and self-empathy (understanding why we are upset). We
put it all together, to see how it works in a real situation, using role-play.
NPC Seminars are a safe environment for personal growth that will be supportive,
informal and challenging. The format includes light-hearted presentation,
demonstration, experiential exercises, fun activities, discussion and
working in small groups. The two-day Seminar can lead to creating groups
for further practice.
“The quality of my life is the quality
of my communication”.
Anthony Robbins
Go on – take that step, learn some communication
skills, phone now 09 236 0393
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"Behind every criticism there is an unmet
need."
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