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Communication Skills
Dr. Marshall Rosenberg is the "father" of this Compassionate Communication model, a way for people to communicate with each other with full awareness of our shared humanity, so that everyone can get their needs met peacefully and find joy in helping others to meet their needs. He has taught these life-affirming skills for more than 35 years to parents, educators, diplomats, police, peace activists, prison officials and inmates, managers and the public. He travels in response to communities that request his peacemaking services and has provided mediation and training world wide. www.cnvc.org To speak or not to speak... is that the question??? Most of us find it hard to say exactly what we want to say without blame or criticism. We are longing to be heard and to hear what others really want; to experience a quality of life where we have a personal sense of ease and peace, with many needs met - ours and others! We may have conditioned habits of not saying what we really want to say or saying what we think the other wants to hear. Oddly what we don't say affects relationships as much or more than what we do say! Unexpressed feelings and needs leave our partner or colleague in the dark about what is really going on between us. Rather than deciding to speak or not to speak, another question is how and when to speak. The four simple steps of NPC give us a framework to overcome our habitual responses and instead to communicate compassionately in order to connect with honesty and clarity. Observations To avoid misunderstandings about the event that stimulated the feelings expressed, we start by getting clear about what actually happened. It is important to make a clear observation without evaluation or judgement. It would be as a video camera sees and hears it. Feelings Heart to heart communication is a universal language. It crosses all boundaries - political, sectarian, intellectual and historic. We all have the same feelings and needs. When we communicate how we feel, and are interested in how others feel, we connect on a level deeper than when we are just telling a story. NPC teaches the difference between feelings like, sad, happy, glad, joy or frustrated, and feelings that are actually interpretations of another such as… misunderstood, neglected, betrayed, abandoned, rejected, or manipulated. Statements that begin "I feel like...", or "I feel that...", or "I feel you..." are actually thoughts not feelings. As we learn to take responsibility for our feelings, we can then go on to expressing the universal needs (met or unmet) that are causing those feelings. Needs All humans share key needs for survival, drink (hydration), food (nutrition), sleep (rest), shelter (safety) and companionship (connection). We also share other needs like acceptance, integrity, equality and understanding to varying degrees in a given moment. When our needs are met we feel content. When our needs are not met we feel uncomfortable or stressed. Anything that anyone does is usually an attempt to fill an unmet need or value. Requests We can present our unmet need as a gift and then ask, in the form of a request rather than a demand, for what would support our needs getting met. Expressing our need and the request, give the chance for the other to make a positive difference to our well being. People naturally enjoy contributing to others when they can do so willingly. If we express ourselves in this way, using observation, feelings, needs and requests, we are more likely to get our needs met, than if we use our habitual ways of attack, demand or defend. "To truly understand another, you need to first walk a mile in their shoes." Native American Proverb Empathy When we hear someone who is emotionally upset in any way, what they need first and foremost is to have their feelings and needs deeply heard without judgement - and this is called empathy. Empathy is deep understanding that is bought about by being present and focussing all our attention on the other (putting our own feelings and needs on "hold" during this time). We then guess the feelings and needs of the other, and ask if this is what is going on, or confirm those feelings and needs when they are expressed by reflecting them back. Connecting like this helps us to understand what's going on inside that person. When all the feelings and needs are expressed we will often hear or see some indication of relief. Then we can move on to what their requests might be to help them meet their needs. Only then can we offer to the other person the opportunity to hear how it is for us - our own observations, feelings, needs and requests. Self - Empathy Sometimes we are stimulated by what another says or does to such degree that we feel overwhelmed and likely therefore to slip into our old habitual ways. It is at this time that we need to take a break and give ourselves some self-empathy. We first watch and listen to all our judgements and interpretations of the other. Then we apply the NPC process to ourself. What actually happened (observation)? What am I feeling and needing? What's my request of myself? In the Seminar we learn and practice expressing ourselves, giving the other person empathy and self empathy (communicating with ourselves). We put it all together to see how it works in a real situation using role-play. NPC Training is a safe environment for personal growth that will be supportive, informal and challenging. The format includes presentation, demonstration, activities, discussion and working in small groups. The two-day Seminar can lead to creating group(s) for further practice. See Seminars and testimonials "Behind every criticism there is an unmet need." |
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